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George Carlin Quotes: 57

  • The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

  • The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

  • Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

    When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

  • Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

  • Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

  • That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

  • There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

  • The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

  • Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

  • Meow” means “woof” in cat.

  • Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

  • Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

  • He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

  • May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

  • I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

  • I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

  • I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I"in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I"in independence, individuality and integrity.

  • If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

    Napalm & Silly Putty

  • Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

  • How is it possible to have a civil war?

  • I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

    When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

  • I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

  • I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

  • Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck

  • Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

  • In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

  • THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

    Brain Droppings

  • I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

  • The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

  • I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

  • If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

    Brain Droppings

  • It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

  • I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

  • How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

  • I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

  • It's never just a game when you're winning.

  • No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

    Brain Droppings

  • So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

    Brain Droppings

  • You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

    Brain Droppings

  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.

  • Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

    Brain Droppings

  • I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

    Brain Droppings

  • It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.

    Brain Droppings

  • Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

  • If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

  • Electricity is really just organized lightning

  • I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

    Brain Droppings

  • I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.

  • It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

  • I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

    When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

  • If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

    When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

  • To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for theexistence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably farmore. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless tapedand filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over theworld, along with documented radar evidence seen by experiencedmilitary and civilian radar operators.>>

    When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

  • You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

  • There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.