Stephen Colbert Quotes: 13

• I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

• If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

• If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

• A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

  I Am America

• All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

  I Am America

• Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

  I Am America

• Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

• Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

• Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

• Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

  I Am America

• America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best."Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children."We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

  I Am America

• I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

• There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.