Jarod Kintz Quotes: 1537

• If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.

  It Occurred to Me

• I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.

  It Occurred to Me

• I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.

  It Occurred to Me

• Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.

  This is the story my great-grandfather told my father, who then told my grandfather, who then told me about how The Mythical Mr. Boo, Charles Manseur Fizzlebush Grissham III, better known as Mr. Fizzlebush, and Orafoura are all in fact me...

• I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.

  I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

• One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?

• I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

  I Want

• If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.

  This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

• I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.

  I Want

• I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to.

  This Book Has No Title

• You know what I like most about people? Pets.

  Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life

• You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.

  $3.33

• Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called.

  This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

• She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you"with "May I take your order?

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.

  It Occurred to Me

• Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.

  Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

• I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.

• I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.

• I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.

  This Book Has No Title

• Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time."What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why spend 2/7th of your life wasting your free time? After all, free time isn’t free. Free time is the most expensive time you have, because nobody pays for it but you. But that also makes it the most valuable time you have, as you alone stand to reap the profits from spending it wisely.

  I Should Have Renamed This

• I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

  I Want

• I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.

  It Occurred to Me

• I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.

  It Occurred to Me

• I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.

  $3.33

• The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.

  $3.33

• What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

  It Occurred to Me

• I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.

  $3.33

• I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.

  I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

• We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.

  This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

• I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

  I Want

• I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.

  Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

• When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.

  $3.33

• My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.

  It Occurred to Me

• I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.

  I Want

• Goodbyes, they often come in waves.

  $3.33

• I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the “late” so and so. I’m sorry to break that bad news, but that person isn’t just late—they’re not even coming!

  I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

• I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.

  Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life

• If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now."But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster.

  It Occurred to Me

• I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.

  It Occurred to Me

• I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.

  At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

• Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

  Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life

• The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.

  The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

• I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.

  Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life

• If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.

  Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.

• I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.

  It Occurred to Me

• I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.

  This is the story my great-grandfather told my father, who then told my grandfather, who then told me about how The Mythical Mr. Boo, Charles Manseur Fizzlebush Grissham III, better known as Mr. Fizzlebush, and Orafoura are all in fact me...

• Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.

  I Want

• I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry.

  There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

• Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

  The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

• The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.

  Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life

• When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?

  A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

• I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can't get to them.

  There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

• In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• Between hello and goodbye is I love you.

  99 Cents For Some Nonsense

• I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world’s most perfect haiku.

  I Want

• He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

  The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

• To Do Today, 1/17/081. Sit and think2. Reach enlightenment3. Feed the cats

  I Should Have Renamed This

• A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait.

  $3.33

• Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.

  This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

• Sometimes I ask myself, "Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?"And that answer, I'm afraid, is silence.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type.

  The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

• I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

  I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

• The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.

  99 Cents For Some Nonsense

• I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.

  It Occurred to Me

• Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I’ve got a way with love. Away with love.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Roses may say “I love you,” but the cactus says “Fuck off.

  Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

• More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement.

  The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

• I love like a leaf in the wind. Please, hold your applause until the end of the performance (the last day of fall).

  This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

• Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• 0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50, only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician.

  This is the story my great-grandfather told my father, who then told my grandfather, who then told me about how The Mythical Mr. Boo, Charles Manseur Fizzlebush Grissham III, better known as Mr. Fizzlebush, and Orafoura are all in fact me...

• Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you've got the garden, I've got my whole life.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to why I’m always late.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• If it’s the last kiss, we’d better make it last. I hope you don’t have anywhere to be, because I have the rest of my life free.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I want to write a poem about "Truth," "Honor," "Dignity,"and whether the toilet paper should roll over or under when you pull on it.

  I Want

• She has a sly smile, and eyes that seem to see my essence as they explore my soul and implore my spirit to enter her. I look at her and I see love.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’m running from the very person I’m chasing, and this is how I know I’m in love.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.

  At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

• Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• Here's a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, "Obsession."Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob

  A Letter to Andre Breton, Originally Composed on a Leaf of Lettuce With an Ink-dipped Carrot

• When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.

  This Book Title is Invisible

• I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.

  At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

• I want to get the words "Courage"and "Bravery"tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.

  I Want

• Our love went from fly to flower to butterfly, and it was meant to beautifully flutter, not sit still on a shelf like a trophy to be collected.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

  Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.

• We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• Beer has that Olympic medal color,” Rot replied, “but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor. No, I’ll stick to my red wine.

  The Mandrake Hotel and Resort to violence if necessary

• It’s me and you, or me and knitting. Don’t make me choose. Ugh, #love.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• New streets should be Twitter friendly and be named with hashtags up front. I’d build a house on ‪#‎LoversLane‬.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• People tell me I look like my father. I've never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I used to have for her. Now all I’m left with is this yummy taco.

  A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

• I love sleepwalking, because when else would I get to combine exercise and rest?

  The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

• The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love.

  My love can only occupy one person at a time

• My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.

  Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

• I’m hard to love, but I love hard, like my heart is the sun yearning to tan your naked body. I promise I won’t burn you.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.

  So many chairs, and no time to sit

• Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

  Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

• The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you’re going to see it blink black. That’s the moment to start writing.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• The race is long, and I am sprinting. If I ever see her again, I’ll probably be too out of breath to tell her I love her.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I both made the knife-fighting team, and I got cut. If only love were so easy to understand.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.

  I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

• Let us embrace each other like we have the arms of two chairs. Let us dance like our legs are those of a table. We should do dinner sometime.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• She called it a slap, but I called it a high-five to my face. Love is so encouraging!

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• Your fantasies define you, so dream carefully. A man with no imagination is a man with no future in today’s world—and no past in tomorrow’s.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I realize all guys have thorns. But I am a rose, and she chose a cactus over me. I wish her luck with her dry, desert-like existence with him.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Love now, not later. Also, love later.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening—it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I like to spoon after I fork.

  I Want

• I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.

  This Book Has No Title

• I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library.

  My love can only occupy one person at a time

• I drank her essence, and it’s like she never existed and now I’m thirsty again. Let this be a lesson in love.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• When I dance, I’m so fluid you could drink my moves. And if you sip it with your morning coffee, you’ll be light on your feet all day.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Love isn’t in a hurry like a flurry of flowery words on paper. It’s lush and slow to grow its aroma in the garden of time.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Let’s be romantic and dance in the rain. I’ll prove my feelings for you by bringing an umbrella, because I’m drowning in my love for you.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I don’t want my love with her to wither like grapes on a vine, so I’ll water it with romance to turn it into wine.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• Your love story, I don’t want to give away the ending, but both you and your lover die.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I had a dream about you. No words were exchanged, but we spoke with our eyes. My eyes said, “I love you,” while your eyes told me, “I’m asleep.” You always were more romantic than me.

  I had a dream about you 2

• I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob.

  It Occurred to Me

• I love the sound of the trees in the breeze. If the forest is so clearly musical, why can’t it play the guitar while I sing Nirvana covers?

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’ll wear a maze on a necklace, dangling over my chest, because if you want to get at my heart, you have to be ready to lose yourself.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I used to think how lucky she was to have me, but now I realize that’s backwards. A spirit of gratitude yields patience, love, and forgiveness.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed.

  The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

• To be invisible, paint yourself with the direct shade of zero. Leave nothing to chance, by taking nothing with you wherever you go.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• My shadow follows me during the day, and then surrounds me at night as it clones itself into complete darkness. Now that’s self-love.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I love Guns N’ Roses. Reminds me of the last time I tried to pick flowers from my neighbor’s garden.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• String several words together in a sentence and you have a language necklace. My I love you would look great with your favorite red dress.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I had a dream about you. I said green was blue and yellow, and you said green was yellow and blue. You were like that with everything I said, taking the exact opposite stance, yet completely agreeing with me. That’s how I knew you loved me.

  Dreaming is for lovers

• Most scars are invisible. Damn transparent knives. Does anything cut deeper than love? I need to get some new body armor.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.

  There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

• When she’s cuddled close, I feel there’s nothing I can’t do, and I can’t do nothing about it, because my heart is her heart for as long as she wants it.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Hide things everywhere. Forget about them. Find them randomly and feel surprised like a pirate finding buried treasure. Avoid scurvy. Love more.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• A tree with red leaves is like an old man with gray hair. Likewise, my love for you was blue, but now it’s orange, and that’s a compliment.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I drank so much booze I was bamboozled. Alcohol makes my mind as discombobulated as love makes my heart. I’d sure appreciate it if you poured me a large glass of romance.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her.

  A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

• My I love you was a measured response, like one gallon of coffee in one cup of sugar. It was just overflowing with an awakening of my soul.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• What’s the point of being the first to arrive? Nobody is there to witness your commitment.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.

  If you bring the booze and food, I'll bring the thirst and hunger

• We fell in love like two medium pizzas in one large stomach. I wish dad would have saved a few slices for us.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• Nobody peels a banana before stabbing themselves with it. But that’s exactly how I love—dangerously.

  Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.

• The curve of her smile, the curve of the small of her back, the curve of her laugh, everything about her makes me want to be more well-rounded.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• As a fiction writer, let me make it up, and let me make it up to you. I’ll pen our love story, if you’ll be my co-author.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I wear gloves, because I don’t want to tease people with my naked body. I’ve got to leave something to the imagination.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• People don’t buy products—they buy people. It’s called slavery. I mean networking. It’s called networking.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Why are desire scales 1-10? They should be 1-12, like a clock, because I want her 1-12, I mean like all the time.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Nothing carries meaning. People carry meaning. We are the porters of importance.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Dinner was a riot, but the food was bland, so I doused it with pepper spray. The chef wanted to protest, but he didn’t, because I had the pepper spray.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• All thoughts, secret or spoken, belong in a coffee table book written in Braille, so you can really feel the emotions.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• A stick won’t stick to a wall, so why is it called a stick? Likewise, why aren’t love and ghost the same word? Both are dead and invisible.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of time.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I wish I could grow swords like I can roses. Wouldn’t war be so romantic then? Then the U.S. could really show the world how much it loves it.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• If you need me I’ll be napping in the supplies closet. The most important part of an attack is the planning.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• A flowing flurry of flowers fell to the floor when I fell in love, as if my heart were a garden that gushed forth and flooded her being with the fragrance of romance.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• She said, “I’m having the stairs rebuilt,” and I replied, “No need to get sexual with me.” I’m a bring my own elevator kind of lover anyway.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Instead of reciting her an original love poem using words, I think I’ll use my tongue to more creatively explore the deepest parts of her.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I got a zero. That’s like a perfect ten—it’s only one away from being flawless. Remember this next time you think you have nothing.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• The middle finger is a great body language tool for letting people know you’re upset. Poetry isn’t quite as effective in a fit of road rage.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I don’t eat Sloppy Joes. I eat Tidy Josephs.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.

  At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

• A Dragon Rose is a flying flower that breathes fire. A relationship isn’t truly a romance if there isn’t a tiny element of danger involved.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• There’s no reason to not be humble, because as great as you may be, you can always be greater.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• My cabinet was made by hand. My applause is also made by hand, and I stood there clapping the whole time the carpenter was making my cabinet.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• If you have a broken heart, I’d like to fix it. Repairs start at just $69. Special delivery charges may apply.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• In a bookstore you can find me in the romance section, because I’m not a lover, I’m a reader.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• As the ice melted, we fell in love—slowly. I just wish the ice were in two glasses of vodka, and not surrounding our bodies.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I know half, and I know two guys who each know half of half, so together we’re altogether. Let this be a lesson in networking.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’m a little more reserved in person than people expect. But I warm up quickly, like leftovers. Meatloaf, anyone?

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date we’ll knit the blanket we’ll make love under.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than admitting I randomly had it already. Now that’s love.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I am the coffee, and God is The Barista. Through me, he may awaken your soul. But the coffee knows not what flows through the mind of The Barista.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• The storm is coming whether you’re aware of it or not, and whether you’re prepared for it or not. Thank God you have a man like me in your life, a man with a variety of umbrellas for sale in an affordable range of prices.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I love letting her know how much she means to me. A love in secret is but a shadow that’s cold and lonely.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• A window—it’s more entertaining than TV. Just ask a cat looking out, or a man looking in on a life he desires.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I didn’t tackle him. I gave him a flying hug. Sometimes love is up in the air until it hits you.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I had a dream about you. You were storing my brain in a pickle jar in the fridge, and I only discovered it when I went to garnish my hamburger. Mindless and hungry, I was a US politician’s ideal voter.

  We Had A #Dream About You

• He said he came in second place, so I assumed there were only two competitors. But you never know with love, there may have been a third party involved.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• The cat hair floated in the air like a sound vibration, and I plucked it like a guitar string. Sometimes I can be so musical I’m like a living love song.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.

  There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

• Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I don’t kind of like to be kind and like you—I love to be kind and love you.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• To become one who believes two become one, you need love in your life.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• She said she loved me, and I didn’t believe it for a minute. Maybe 59 seconds, but not a whole minute. I may be gullible, but I’m not without an accurate way to measure time.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Myth, mist, and mystery all add to the illusion of love. If you need me I’ll be by the fog machine wearing a tunic and writing an epic poem in Greek.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• The chair I want for my office has wheels, so I can put it on my treadmill and get some exercise while I work. Likewise, we can’t let a love like ours just roll on by without trying to work things out.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• She doesn’t want me to leave, and she doesn’t want me to stay. That’s a double helping of Doesn’t Want Me, and one big I’m Not Hungry back at her.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• For our first date we went Dutch. We would have gone another nationality, but they are the tallest.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Mainstream news wants to keep you as a useful idiot. Instead, try being a non-useful idiot.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’ll sit on a soda and drink a sofa. It’s just healthier. You should see how I make love. Show starts at 8:00. Tickets are ten bucks at the window.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• 75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Hotel hallways should have conveyer belts for floors, so I can feel like a grocery item on vacation. I guess I’m just a romantic.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him.

  My love can only occupy one person at a time

• When I was young, I was 13 going on 31. Then when I was 30 going on 31, I was 30 going on 29. Now I’m in love and I’ve lost all sense of time—and all the rest of my sense.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Of all sports, wrestling is the most like cuddling. I’m all sweaty because I’m training hard to show her how much I love her.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• The world may be running out of water, but it isn’t running low on music. Let the dancing flow!

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• When I win, it’s because I’m skilled. When I lose, it’s because my opponent is lucky. But when I fall in love, it’s because I’m lucky and she’s skilled.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it takes two to make love on that bench.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I belong, and my penis, it be long.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Her and I, we passed each other, and now she’s in my past. That’s one present I’d like to unwrap in the future.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• My heart only grows more powerful the more my flowing love goes unabsorbed, unobserved, and unappreciated.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• You don’t need to have a fight before great sex. I can keep my cool and still bring the heat every time.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I like coffee tables. I’m into drinkable furniture.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Instead of a vow of silence, I took a vow of invisibility. At that time you were looking for someone to love, and that’s why you couldn’t see me.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Based on the questions we both answered, we’re a 0% love match. That means we’re 100% compatible, once I enlighten her to the correct perspective on life.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Our love will blend together like turquoise is blue and green. There’s no depression or envy when both blur into one.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Everyone’s different, and in that way everyone’s the same. Stand out by sitting down. Try my love seat—it’s made for two people, so you can be comfortably obese.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• When two people are cuddled close, they can really warm up one burrito. It may take all night, but I like my cheese melted. #CuddleChampion

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• It was a cold night, so I got a fire going. I lit a scented candle.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• My heart is spinning. Love is a tornado. Will you be my Kansas?

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I called his broken promise heartbreaking, and he called it growing up. Oh, that’s mature—blame it on maturity.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’ll write the first sentence in English and the second sentence will be nonsense translated to Russian, to make the ultimate non sequitur.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Quicksand is nature’s way of saying slow down. Me pushing you in quicksand is my way of saying be still and let me love you. Isn’t it funny how a lasso looks like a noose?

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Love is the best gift because it’s free to give and priceless to receive.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I feel like dancing. If I bring an extra wheelchair for you, would you like to join me?

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I believe in true love. But my opinion is tainted, because I also believe in Bigfoot, aliens, and in the existence of honest politicians.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I remember her words about remembering my words, and that’s when it hit me: the quickest way to scalpel open a heart is with a declaration of love.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I’m just going to keep plugging away until I find success—or an electrical socket that works. This is the secret to gaining worldly power.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• My vacation wasn’t long enough—and neither was my penis. Two weeks is just too short to satisfy one woman all night long.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• It's a black and white issue: gray is grey, and there's no two ways about it.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’ve got a nice racket going. I make tennis ball swatters. My favorite score is love all. That’s also how I live my life.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• 2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• We made love like two folding lawn chairs. We were both motionless, but the possibility of movement permeated the moment.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• If I had no clothes it’d be winter. If I were naked, it’d be the truth and we could lie together.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.

  It Occurred to Me

• I make love like I make coffins—with my bare hands, alone in my garage. On sale through Thursday—Buy One Funeral, Get A Second One Free!

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• She’ll come to love me or she won’t. I’m a fisherman, not a hunter.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I’ll stand by you forever. Or at least until noon, and then I’ll go stand under the cabana. Isn’t love amazing?

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Flower petals in the breeze look like a butterfly flapping its wings. My love for you takes flight like a white orchid blushing pink.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• When people say they don’t understand my generation, I like to point out that it’s not “my” generation. I’m only co-owner with a 50% stake.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I ordered a beer and then I ordered another beer, because why finish one when I can finish two? Having only one is great for love, but bad for beer.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.

  At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

• I have a tongue like a rose petal, and when I say I love you, it has the fragrance of truth. My words are my garden, and I’m planting our future.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• A radio in a song in an ice cream cone. Two licks for free, and the third is for sale. My favorite flavor tastes like a commercial, because it’s made with 100% natural advertisement.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• A lollygagger is a person choking on a lollipop. That works perfectly, because I sell Heimlich Maneuvers in a variety of flavors.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three thermoses to contain it. And if it did get contained, would you drink my love black, or would you add cream and sugar?

  A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

• If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• Drink my Distraction Juice (not from concentrate). It tastes like love, only not so focused on just one ingredient.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I should open up a dry cleaners/pizza parlor. Extra Stain Sauce will be free, but removing it out of your clothes will cost you.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• A fridge will keep your steaks fresh, but keeping a live cow in grandmother’s room will keep the meat fresher. Let this be a lesson in love.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’m late to dinner, but I’m early to being in love. I’m such a gentleman that I hold every door open—even if the guy sitting in the bathroom stall is protesting.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors"opened up for "The Cars.

  There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

• I’ll stand by you. And by stand I mean cower in your shadow. It’s probably cold there, so I’m going to knit myself a warm cat sweater to wear.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I don’t like breakfast, because I like things fixed and slow. Let’s just take our relationship morning by morning.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• If you need me I’ll be sitting over there, on the ground, next to the empty chair. The emptiness always reminds me of your love.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and couch.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I morphed from a fly to a flower to a butterfly, which is like a combination flower and fly. I thought I was in love, but I was merely asleep.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• My heartbeat is a pulse, and it pumps out sonic vibrations that resonate with her mind as she lays her head on my chest. Listen silently and you can hear the frequency of love.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.

  My love can only occupy one person at a time

• I went to a potluck. I brought my own pot—and luck. The pot was empty, just like my promise to bring food the next time.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely.

  This Book Has No Title

• She looked, but she couldn’t see. She was wearing an emotional blindfold, and though she heard me say I love you, she just didn’t listen.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• You’ll drown in my love story, if I ever write it using a fountain pen.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I count as blessings things I could have benefited from, even if I neglected to utilize them. A gift is still a gift, even if left wrapped and unopened.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my legs.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I have liquid lips, and my kisses are smooth as wine. Why pour you a glass when you can drink from the bottle?

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’m a master of encouragement. Why should I do work myself when the price of getting others to do it for me is as cheap as cheering them on?

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• My eyes are bronze, my hair is turning silver, and my heart is gold. Oh, and my love for you belongs in the Olympics, because it’s Special.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• We made love like two coiled up fire hoses. When there’s no fire in the romance, why not act like a couple of sleeping snakes?

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’d fight for your love like I’m Tyler Durden. I want you to hit on me as hard as you can.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Both of the items were used in an attempted murder, but hers was a dagger, and mine was a baby’s rubber bottle nipple. That was the last time I took a stab at love.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• If you want me, you’d better hurry. Act now, supplies are limited.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Being a waiter is a waste of time, because think of all that waiting. But it’s better than loving someone who doesn’t love you back, because if you’re going to wait around, you might as well get paid for it.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.

  This Book Has No Title

• I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• There's someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I can’t use my intellect to figure out how to bypass my intellect. Love lies through the spirit, not the mind, and love never lies.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Buy one I love you for $3.99. Buy twelve for $48.00. That’s a savings of twelve cents—directly into my bank account. WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD—Objects not intended for individuals who tend to put forever objects in their mouths.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• A squeegee is a sponge on a stick, and if there is a tangible item that’s more romantic, I don’t know what it is. Never go on a first date without one.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• You used to love me. Let me help jog your memory by buying you some running shoes. The shoes will be wooden, and nailed to the floor.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s the best place to hang a noose. More politicians need to be sticking their necks out for us.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• My ex-girlfriend was exquisite, while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• The harmonica has musical wind, and is the breath of soul. It’s like a sad, lonely I love you lost in the breeze.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Microwavable ice cream is the future. Don’t wait for love to melt all over your crotch. Scoop some Ice Cream Soup today.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Last night my shadow exploded into hundreds of fluttering black birds, foreshadowing my love taking flight under the cover of camouflage.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Nine out of ten politicians are thieves. The tenth politician is a liar, and the one who conducted the survey.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• If I were a Wild West cowboy, I wouldn’t ride a horse—I’d ride a wheelchair. More romantic.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I bleed ink for her, because her name is written on my heart. She’s the author of all the love I have to give.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• A turtle is like a lizard in a bicycle helmet, and I think that’s romantic. That reminds me, I should write a love song called, “Dinner for two—plus one.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• She brews a bruise on my heart, and drinks it like a beer. She calls it love, but she would, because she’s drunk on my torment.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Do you want some fresh tomato soup to go? I’ll put it in a mesh strainer. Oh, if only love were as easy to contain as soup in a strainer.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I dance so fluid you’d think I’m a fish. I don’t need to drink to be able to dance—I am the drink. Have a sip and find out for yourself.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I spray-paint my underwear gold, because it makes me feel like a winner. When two people are in love, one is always in second place.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• I’m the Director of Redundancy. I’m also the Director. I make love like I make love, and that is why I am the Director of Redundancy.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I don’t like my circle of friends, so I’m changing them to a square. Love shapes our lives, so why not shape who we love?

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Asking me if I’m in love is like asking a mortician if now is the best time to die.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’m taller in tolerance than I am in height. Barely. I’m only 6’3, so I apologize for not being more understanding.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I leave my door locked and unlocked. You know, for stopportunities. As a lover, I’ve been known—and unknown—to be like Zeno.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.

  $3.33

• Anything disguised as anything is chameleon. A ghost disguised as an unobservable and invisible object is a great example. Still, that’s easier to see than the love my ex wife had for me.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• When three women all ignore each other, and each ignores me, it reminds me of Dark Jar Tin Zoo’s definition of love. Love is isn’t—even when it isn’t.

  Seven Sisters Sinister Murder Mystery Dinner

• I’d rather sell one thing for one million dollars, than sell one million things for one dollar each. I feel the same about my love and women.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Prophesies are dark and don’t need a flashlight to illuminate. I’m a bring my own lighthouse kind of lover.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Now that I’m 33.3 years old, the days of blue and green are behind me. I have left the earthy and entered into the purple phase of my life.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Some people grow cotton, while I have a t-shirt farm. The rainy season is when I get the most visitors.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Why aren’t red traffic lights heart-shaped? Probably because it’s not like rush hour can get any more romantic.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I drive as fast as four tire swings hanging from a tree branch in the middle of winter. I also make love with as much speed and rotation.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• He rose like heroes, and I rose like rows of red roses. Love grows wherever you plant it, so I try to farm it wherever I go.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• She said love her or be tortured by her. I replied, "Torture would be less painful."She didn't realize that I'm a true romantic.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I just sprayed cologne on my hand and then pet the back of my cat's head while he slept, and he woke up so confused, trying to sniff behind his neck and all around wondering what sweet attack he was under.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Networking is drinking the nectar of interconnectedness. And I’ve been drinking since noon, so I may need @ryanlilly to drive me home.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• A slinky is a toy made for stairs, but that’s entirely too tiresome. What about a toy for escalators that doesn’t move and does nothing and that’s the whole point? I think Americans would relate to and embrace that mentality.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• It doesn’t take a hurricane to blow out a birthday candle. Let this be a lesson in love—and cake etiquette.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• My love burns for you like I’m an arsonist and marshmallows-on-sticks salesman. $2.99 each, or 5 for $10.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• I need to be gentler, I said definitively to myself, as I clenched my fist and shook it in the air. Love takes flight like two powerful wings, but hits like a collection of feathers.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Professional wrestling is a lot like cuddling, I thought as I hugged a tree. As far as lumberjacks go, I’m slow, but when the tree finally falls for me, it falls hard.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Nostalgia is being blind to the bad and only remembering the good. Thinking about all the love I had for her is a positively Helen-Kelleresque experience.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• If you’re going to hang around and watch me write, you might as well have a noose around your neck. Would you mind if I kicked the chair out from under your feet? You’re standing on my only place to sit.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll be in the living room if you need me.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• A tornado is the ultimate coffee grinder. Just add water, and you’ll wake the whole trailer park.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• My name represents me, but it’s not who I am. It’s just a collection of letters. Unfortunately, none of them are love letters.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

• Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs.

  Sleepwalking is restercise

• I cook. My favorite thing to make is love.

  Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

• You haven’t seen nothing until you’ve seen zero. You also haven’t seen nothing until you’ve seen all the love I have for politicians.

  This Book is Not FOR SALE

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