Authors — Quotes

Steven Wright Quotes: 38

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
What's another word for thesaurus?
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.