Woody Allen Quotes: 41

• I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

• Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

• Eighty percent of success is showing up.

• I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

• I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

• I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

• Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

• The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

• To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

• If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

• God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

• My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

• To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

• I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

  Illustrated Woody Allen Reader

• I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

  Annie Hall: Screenplay

• If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

• If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

• I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

• You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

• If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

  Hannah and Her Sisters

• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

• Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

• Marriage is the death of hope.

• I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

• My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

• Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

• I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

• There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible."The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions."Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

  Annie Hall: Screenplay

• The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

• I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

• You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

• Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

  Without Feathers

• All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

• If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

• Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

• It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

• Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

• I read in self-defense.

• Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

• There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.