Steven Wright Quotes: 38

• You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

• Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

• In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

• I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

• If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

• Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

• If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

• I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

• What's another word for thesaurus?

• There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

• If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

• When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

• I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

• If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

• Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

• I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

• The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

• I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

• It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

• Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

• I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

• You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

• I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

• I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

• Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

• I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

• Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

• I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.