Authors — Quotes

Jarod Kintz Quotes: 1537

If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.
It Occurred to Me
I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.
It Occurred to Me
I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.
It Occurred to Me
Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.
This is the story my great-grandfather told my father, who then told my grandfather, who then told me about how The Mythical Mr. Boo, Charles Manseur Fizzlebush Grissham III, better known as Mr. Fizzlebush, and Orafoura are all in fact me...
I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.
I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?
I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.
I Want
If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.
This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks
I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.
I Want
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to.
This Book Has No Title
You know what I like most about people? Pets.
Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.
$3.33
Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called.
This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks
She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you"with "May I take your order?
Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.
It Occurred to Me
Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.
Great Listener Seeks Mute Women
I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.
I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.
I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.
This Book Has No Title
Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time."What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?
This Book is Not FOR SALE
If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why spend 2/7th of your life wasting your free time? After all, free time isn’t free. Free time is the most expensive time you have, because nobody pays for it but you. But that also makes it the most valuable time you have, as you alone stand to reap the profits from spending it wisely.
I Should Have Renamed This
I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.
I Want
I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.
It Occurred to Me
I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.
It Occurred to Me
I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.
$3.33
The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.
Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.
$3.33
What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.
It Occurred to Me
I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.
Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.
Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.
$3.33
I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.
I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.
Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.
This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks
I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.
I Want
I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.
Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You
When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.
$3.33
My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.
It Occurred to Me
I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.
I Want
Goodbyes, they often come in waves.
$3.33
I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the “late” so and so. I’m sorry to break that bad news, but that person isn’t just late—they’re not even coming!
I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.
Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now."But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster.
It Occurred to Me
I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.
It Occurred to Me
I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.
At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.
Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe.
Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.
Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.
The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.
I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.
Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).
This Book is Not FOR SALE
Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.
Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.
I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.
It Occurred to Me
I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.
This is the story my great-grandfather told my father, who then told my grandfather, who then told me about how The Mythical Mr. Boo, Charles Manseur Fizzlebush Grissham III, better known as Mr. Fizzlebush, and Orafoura are all in fact me...
Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground.
Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.
I Want
I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry.
There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs.
Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.
The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.
The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.
Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life
When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.
Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?
A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can't get to them.
There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.
Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
Between hello and goodbye is I love you.
99 Cents For Some Nonsense
I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.
Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world’s most perfect haiku.
I Want
He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.
The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.
To Do Today, 1/17/081. Sit and think2. Reach enlightenment3. Feed the cats
I Should Have Renamed This
A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait.
$3.33
Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.
This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks
Sometimes I ask myself, "Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?"And that answer, I'm afraid, is silence.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type.
The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.
I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.
The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.
Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.
99 Cents For Some Nonsense
I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.
It Occurred to Me
Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.
This Book is Not FOR SALE
I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level.
Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.