Groucho Marx Quotes: 28

• Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

  The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

• When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

• Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

• From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

• Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

• Humor is reason gone mad.

• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

• I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

  Groucho and Me

• Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

• Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

• One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

• I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

  The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

• Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

• If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

• Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

• Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

• Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

• Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

• Room service? Send up a larger room."[A Night at the Opera]

• Before I speak, I have something important to say.

• We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.

• A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

• Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

• Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.